


Well, you chose me

by TheWeirdDane



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, basically the entire gang is there, idk how to tag this so it'll be tagless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-17 22:23:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13668528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWeirdDane/pseuds/TheWeirdDane
Summary: Shepard isn't invincible, though many like that thought, and the crew comes to realize this the most brutal of ways.





	Well, you chose me

**Author's Note:**

> Heed the Archive Warnings, please! This was a prompt from one of my followers over on tumblr. The prompt was either "Keep your eyes on me" or "Don't leave me behind", and I decided to roll with both for maximum pain :D

”Cover me!”

”You can’t just melee your way through the enemies!” Garrus shouted, exasperated, and readied his trusty sniper rifle behind his cover. Mordin followed Shepard into the field, sneaking up behind big crates and ducking behind low covers.

“Witness me!” Shepard shouted back and called up her omni-blade just as she lunged for the first husk. It didn’t stand a chance as the blade went deep into its skull, and it uttered a gurgling sound before stumbling backwards and falling to the ground. It didn’t move.

Already, another husk was on her trail, but she knocked it out cold before stabbing it through the head, her other hand reaching for her Carnifex and sending bullets into the nearest living husk, making it stumble and waver but still stagger forward towards her.

Before Garrus had a chance to take the shot, Shepard was in his crosshair, punching the husk mercilessly in the face until it fell back onto the floor where it laid completely still.

“You’re insane!”

“You’re just envious!”

“Of what?” Garrus said as he shuffled down the stairs and over to Shepard, Mordin following close behind, “of your complete disregard of safety precautions?”

“Oh, calm down,” Shepard sighed, and her cheeks burned with the fire of a good fight, and she brushed some hair out of her emerald-green eyes, glistening and sparkling with life, “everything turned out okay, didn’t it?”

“Vakarian right, could have been a mess, quickly become problematic,” Mordin stated, agreeing with Garrus and making Shepard roll her eyes before putting her Carnifex on her back with the rest of her weapons.

“Fine. It won’t happen again.”

* * *

 

“Do you have something for me, Mordin?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact.” Mordin went around his desk to grab a small bottle of pills that he handed to Shepard.

“Can guarantee an hour before dissolvement of components, making this a secure method. After that, do not, ahem, orally ingest. Could prove problematic,” he explained, and Shepard had a distinctive feeling that he was purposefully avoiding eye contact. Supposed that was understandable, given their current topic.

“You’re a lifesaver, Mordin, thank you,” she said and clutched the small bottle in her hand.

“Not a problem, Shepard, happy to help. Easing stress very important. But now, back to work, found interesting data.”

“Of course. See you around.”

* * *

Later that night, as every other night, Garrus sneaked into her cabin in lieu of the dark of the night, finding her sitting at her desk going over some intel from the next day’s mission.

“Spirits, Shepard, do you never relax? The clock is,” he looked over at the clock, “0100 hours, you shouldn’t be studying intel so late.”

Shepard chuckled, and _Spirits,_ the sound sent his heart soaring. He walked over to her and started massaging her shoulders and back. She moaned softly and put down the datapad, leaning her head forward to give Garrus better access to her neck and shoulders.

He massaged her for the best of fifteen minutes, until she was practically boneless, and he had to carry her to the bed. They shared a hearty chuckle and a lengthy kiss before he put her down on the soft satin sheets and crawled up her body to continue the kiss.

Their mouths moved elegantly with each other, practiced and skilled in this particular dance, and she pressed tighter against him, sighing softly into his mouth as his mouth plates parted to allow his tongue to roll out and investigate her mouth as it did every so often. Her own tongue came up to meet his, rubbing them together with quiet moans and sighs.

Her hands came up to rest on his carapace, squeezing gently and pressing more against him.

How long the kiss lasted, neither of them cared for. All they knew was that Shepard was the one to break it when she pulled away to quietly ask, “Garrus, do you believe in soulmates?”

His brow plates knitted together in confusion, and he pulled back as well to get a better look at her.

“Do I believe in what? I don’t think my translator caught that correctly.”

She chuckled again, and his heart did a somersault.

“A soulmate. It’s someone with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond. It’s like… you meet this person, and you have this immediate connection,” she explained, and Garrus listened intently, “and as the connection grows stronger over time, as you go through different hardships, you begin to doubt if you have ever truly felt as in love prior to meeting this person. This person will connect with you in every way and on every level. And, when you’re not around them,” here, she squeezed his carapace tighter, “you’re even more aware of the harshness of life and the hardships in it. You start to be thankful for everything in life because of this beautiful gift you’ve been given, in the shape of another person. Or, alien.”

She muttered the last sentence, halfway hoping he didn’t hear it, halfway hoping he did.

At first, he didn’t answer. When he hadn’t said anything for almost a full ten seconds, Shepard started growing nervous. Perfect, she just had to go and fuck it up by being weird and believing in things that weren’t possible! Turians probably didn’t even _have_ soulmates!

But then…

“We don’t… have this in my language, or amongst my people,” he said, and he spoke slowly, carefully, clearly weighing the words to avoid hurting her.

“Yeah, I figured,” Shepard muttered and moved a hand to rub at her eye – no fucking _way_ she was going to cry now – and she was ready to dismiss the entire conversation when Garrus continued.

“But it sounds… amazing, for lack of better word. Say that I believe in this, would you tell me who your soulmate is?” He leaned in to nuzzle his maw in her neck, and she giggled softly, setting his heart aflame.

“I think you’ll like him. He’s tall, great with sniper rifles, and has a really sweet laugh.”

“That so?” he practically purred and nibbled at her neck, making her sigh and moan softly.

“Mmhmmm, absolutely.”

“It _is_ me you’re talking about, right?”

Shepard couldn’t help a sputtering laughter, and she moved a hand to her mouth to stifle it. Garrus did not look impressed.

It took a little while for her laughter to die down, but when it did, her eyes twinkled with so much love and life that Garrus fully forgave her for laughing at him.

“Of course it’s you, silly.”

“Then I accept your soulmate,” he said and leaned their foreheads together. Nothing more was said between them.

* * *

“So, how do you brew your coffee?” Garrus asked and followed Shepard around in the kitchen, watching her every move. Shepard chuckled and looked back at him, a few stray hairs falling into her beautiful green eyes.

“It’s really simple. You take this spoon,” she held up the spoon in question, “and take three spoonsful, no top, of coffee and pour them into the machine, like this,” she demonstrated by taking three spoonsful of coffee, without top, and poured them into the machine, all while Garrus watched her intently. And not all of it to make sure his coffee-brewing skills would be perfect. He just couldn’t help looking at her.

Her eyes twinkled, her freckles that seemed to dance in the bright overhead light of the kitchen, her big but cute nose, the way her lips twitched into a soft laugh when she caught him staring at her. Her beautiful, bubbling laughter and her gentle punch to his shoulder.

All of it, all of her, was intoxicating, to say the least.

“Normandy to Vakarian, anyone home?”

“Yes, yes of course, Commander,” he said and mockingly saluted her, making her laugh again, and Spirits, what he wouldn’t do to hear that sound over and over again.

“Then you pour water into this part of the machine,” and she once more showed him exactly what to do, “before you press the big button, and you’re all set! In a few minutes’ time, we’ll have freshly brewed coffee á la Shepard.”

She grinned widely, flashing her slightly yellowed and crooked teeth, and Garrus was over the moon, as humans said.

“Do you put anything in your coffee? My research indicates that some humans add various substances.”

Shepard shook her head.

“I take mine black. That’s what it’s called when you don’t add anything to it.”

“Got it.”

* * *

“Shepard!”

She didn’t respond, simply threw herself behind cover to let her shield recharge. But she was quickly flanked by another soldier that had just waited for her to take cover, and he punched her repeatedly in the face until she stumbled backwards.

Wrex roared and made ready to charge while Garrus pointed his assault rifle at the soldier, but quickly, they were being fired upon by other enemies, and Garrus had to run for cover while Wrex charged for the soldier now shooting Shepard repeatedly.

Before Wrex could make contact, their commander fell to the ground and didn’t move any further. But then the krogan made full-body contact and knocked the soldier to the ground with a heavy headbutt before pumping him full of lead.

Meanwhile, Garrus had taken swift and professional care of the other soldiers, leaving no witnesses of the scene.

“Wrex!” he shouted before putting his rifle away, “is she okay?”

“She’s breathing,” the krogan grunted and made to pick up Shepard, but Garrus strode over and nailed Wrex to the ground with his icy blue stare, allowing for the turian to pick up Shepard instead. She was covered in blood, on her face and on her chest where her armor was torn open by several bullets.

He felt guilt and anger tug at his heart as they rushed back to the shuttle. Guilt that he had allowed the enemies a chance to take out Shepard, that he hadn’t been there, hadn’t been _enough_. And anger. Anger at himself, mostly, for much the same reasons.

If only he had been faster, had been _better_!

Back on the shuttle, he gave Cortez the order to take them back to the Normandy while breaking a medi-gel and smearing it over Shepard’s face and chest while his thoughts were running amok.

“Garrus,” she suddenly croaked out, causing Garrus to nearly drop the medi-gel.

“Yes, Shepard?” he said, trying to sound as gentle as possible.

“If you… if you breathe a word of this to… to anyone, I’ll have to kill you.” Her breathing was deep and had a wet undertone that Garrus didn’t like one bit, and her voice trembled and stuttered, making it hard to understand what she was saying.

He laughed softly.

“Of course. Won’t say a word to anyone.”

“Thank you.”

“Good luck convincing Wrex, though.”

* * *

The first day at the medical bay was critical. Everybody were antsy and on their toes. Dr. Chakwas had to repeatedly throw out Garrus for meddling in her affairs, and it ended up with the other crew members throwing him back into the main battery, _ordering_ him to do some calibrations, keep his mind sharp, _something else than bothering the one person who could help Shepard_.

Oh, the irony.

 _He_ should have been the one to help and protect Shepard! _He_ should have read her better, should have prepared better, more accordingly. He was a disgrace to the entire ship, to himself, and, most importantly, probably to Shepard, too.

So now there he was, holed up in the main battery and doing some calibrations, fixing some minor upgrades on the ship’s weapon systems, when Tali entered, the telltale hissing of the door letting him know he wasn’t alone anymore.

He stood up straighter, unclenched his fists, and turned around to look at her. He tried with a smile but wasn’t sure it came off as anything more than a grimace.

“Garrus,” she said, her voice light and gentle, and she reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t shrug it away, just kept looking at her, stoic and silent.

“We understand this hits you, _hard_. You did your best out there, and none of us blame you. It was an accident, it could have happened to anyone.”

“But _I_ was the one to do it,” he growled and looked away. It didn’t help, her words, her sympathetic voice. Nothing would help except seeing Shepard move around on her own. “It was my mistake.” His voice was faint and – did it tremble? – he tried his best to cover it up, but to no avail. It was no use – they all knew each other well enough to tell when something was off.

And while Tali did an admirable attempt at appearing calm and relaxed, the brittleness of her voice betrayed her. Her hand quivered ever so faintly as it rested on his shoulder.

She didn’t say anything further, simply squeezed his shoulder tightly for a few seconds before letting go and leaving again.

Once the hiss of the door had disappeared, he allowed his shoulders to fall, and his hands clenched back into tight fists that he slammed down onto the control panel.

“It was _my_ mistake.”

The following days, none of the crew members got a lot of sleep. They were all worried sick about their commander, and despite putting on cheery faces and happy laughs, everyone knew it was just that – a façade.

Garrus was assigned a new duty – making everybody coffee. He made it strong, just like Shepard had taught him, and if the others didn’t like it, they didn’t complain. But every time, it reminded him of Shepard, how she would grumble at him until she had taken that first sip, how she would almost immediately cheer up after downing her first cup. How she would steal a kiss if they were alone, would send him a polite nod if they weren’t.

It was absolute hell.

He couldn’t stop thinking, worrying, about her, and it drove him insane.

When Dr. Chakwas at one point exited the medical bay, covered in blood and with heavy bags under her eyes, Garrus rushed to her, peering over her head and into the med-bay, desperate for any sign of his Commander.

“Go on, go in.” She sounded _exhausted_ , and a pang of guilt shot through him. Great, did _everything_ have to cause him guilt now?

Garrus gave a short nod and walked towards the doors, the hurry and speed suddenly taken out of his steps. He instead walked slowly, as if fearing for what he might find inside.

What he found was Shepard lying on a stretcher, naked under a white, heavy blanket, with her arms free. She appeared to be asleep, but when he got closer, she stirred.

“Shh shh, it’s just me,” he whispered, voice dropping low, and pulled over a chair to sit beside her. Her eyebrows furrowed, knitting together, and her lips morphed into a thin line before her eyes slowly opened. They seemed hazy, like a thin veil was pulled over them, and she appeared disoriented.

“W-what happened?” Her voice was coarse and quiet, to the point where Garrus nearly missed it.

“You, uh, took some bullets. Pretty bad.”

“So like… am I in h-heaven now?”

Garrus couldn’t help but let his mandible flare, just the tiniest bit.

“You’re not. You told me to meet at the bar; does this look or feel like a bar to you?”

Shepard snorted and immediately started coughing and clutched her chest, sitting up. Garrus made a series of sounds that had proven to calm her down in the past, hoping they would have the same effect now that she was doped to Hell and back.

When she got the coughing under control, she laid back on the stretcher, her eyes scanning the surroundings, still thinly veiled, and Garrus was unsure how much she could actually see.

“Keep fighting, Shepard,” he whispered and took one of her hands in his, gently, and gave it a soft squeeze as her head lolled to the side and she dozed off again.

“Don’t leave me behind.”

* * *

Shepard’s health went up and down for the next couple of days. One moment, it seemed like she was doing just fine, and the next like her life was hanging by a thread. How much – or little – sleep Dr. Chakwas managed to get was questionable at best, and the rest of the crew was much the same. No one managed to sleep a full night cycle, at one point or another meeting in the mess-hall where Garrus was always ready to pour a mug of steaming hot coffee.

“What’s the latest?” Jack asked and leaned against the kitchen counter, eyes fastened on Garrus who always had the newest information on their beloved commander.

He rubbed his visor-less eye and looked back at her, a melancholic tone to his slightly trembling subvocals.

“Dr. Chakwas isn’t optimistic.”

That was all he could manage, and Jack nodded curtly before sipping her coffee. It might be he was wrong, but her eyes seemed almost… blank?

Against his better judgment, he was about to ask about it when they heard the doors to the medical bay hiss open, and Dr. Chakwas exited. As most of the crew, she had heavy bags under her eyes, and her usually voluminous, steel-grey hair hung around her face, looking lifeless.

They all fell quiet, any small-talk completely died on their tongues as the doctor came over to them. She looked… defeated… crushed…

Garrus squeezed the glass coffee pot tightly between his talons and straightened up, pushing his shoulders back and staring hard at the human.

Nobody wanted to break the ominous silence that had fallen over them, and they all knew that if Dr. Chakwas looked bad, it was nothing compared to how Shepard was.

“By my best calculations,” she began, and the moment Garrus heard her usually steady voice tremble, he knew the news wouldn’t be good, but he hadn’t foreseen the sheer amount of pain they would cause him, “the Commander won’t live to see the light of tomorrow.”

No one said anything, and no one would ever admit it, but they all side-eyed Garrus. It was no secret that he and Shepard were a couple, and as such, everyone feared how he would take the news.

The doctor walked up to Garrus and squeezed his forearm gently.

“Garrus,” she said, and it was all too clear that she struggled to keep her voice just slightly steady, “I’m so sorry.”

Garrus, who hadn’t quite let the news sink in properly, shook his head slowly.

“It’s… not your fault. It’s mine.”

“Garrus…” This time it came from Edi, and everyone but Garrus looked over at her. He kept staring at the half-empty pot in his talons.

“You couldn’t have foreseen what would happen. You’re not psychic. Commander Shepard knew what dangers that mission held.”

“But I let her down,” Garrus growled – _growled_ – and clutched the pot so hard it shattered. Tali and Liara gasped while Jack cursed – “For fuck’s sake, Vakarian!” – and the others were a mix of sad faces and thoughtful expressions.

Hot coffee spilled over his glove-free hands, and the pain was the only thing calling him back to the situation. Without thinking, he dropped the remains of the pot and staggered back until his back met with the counter. There he remained standing for a few seconds before his legs gave out, and he started sliding down the counter until he sat on the floor.

Liara fetched a towel to wipe his hands, and he just looked at them as she cleaned them.

“Hey, cheerleader,” Jack said and turned to an already deep-in-thought Miranda, “what about you and daddy’s corporation?”

Miranda scoffed but nonetheless looked back at her.

“I thought you didn’t like Cerberus.”

“I don’t, I fucking hate them, but they’ve brought back Shepard before, they can do it again.”

“Do you have even the faintest idea how much that cost? It was an enormous expense, and I’m fairly certain they wouldn’t do it again.”

“But without Shepard,” Liara said and looked over at Miranda from her kneeling position, “how will we win the war? We have to get her back! Cerberus has to agree, aren’t they supposed to hold human interest above all else?” Her voice wasn’t its usual steady and composed self, but only a trembling replica.

Miranda sighed and moved her focus to Liara.

“It’s important to understand the distinction between wanting to do a certain thing and having the ability to do that certain thing. Cerberus might _want_ to bring Shepard back, but if they can do it for the second time… I’m not certain.”

“Well, why don’t you go off and ask daddy about it, then?” Jack snarled and pushed herself away from the counter, not deigning Miranda another glance as she disappeared to her corner of the ship.

The rest of the crew was silent for a while. Liara sat with Garrus, even after his talons were dry again, and Tali had come to join them, sitting close to the turian and stroking his arm soothingly.

No one knew what to say, let alone do.

The silence was broken when Garrus spoke.

“Doctor… can we see her?”

Dr. Chakwas, slumped in a chair and nursing an empty mug, nodded quietly.

“She should still live, so if you have any final words, now may be the time.”

Garrus nodded and got up from the floor. His gaze went to the medical bay, but his feet were reluctant to take him there, his heart scared of what might come to pass. You would think that he was eager to spend her dying breaths with her, but something seemed to hold him back.

Liara and Tali gingerly tugged at his arms to get him going.

“Come on,” the quarian whispered while the asari offered up a soft smile, “you know there’s no one else than you she’d rather spend her last moments with.” Garrus nodded and finally closed the distance to the medical bay, entering and finding Shepard hooked up to several machines, once more covered with a white blanket. Several electrodes were stuck to her chest and head, the wires leading to the many machines monitoring her condition.

“Hey Shepard,” he said, voice endlessly soft and gentle, and sat in a chair beside her stretcher. She didn’t answer, but the machines indicated she was still alive. It was hard to see for the blanket, but from her sunken and hollow cheeks and her thin, almost skeletal fingers, it was clear she had lost a lot of weight. Her hair looked greasy and unkempt, even as it was held together in a thick braid.

“Can you hear me?” Her eyes opened and found him, though they looked even more hazy than last he had seen them. He had almost forgotten how breathtakingly beautiful they were, like shimmering emeralds caught in the sun’s light.

One of her hands lifted, and it trembled, looked so painfully weak that Garrus almost choked up, and fumbled for his. He linked their fingers together – a bit awkward when he only had three, but as always, they made it work – and squeezed gently.

There was a small smile on her face, and the machine monitoring her heartrate beeped slightly faster. Garrus managed to crack a small smile himself, mandibles flaring and mouthplates tugging a bit upwards.

“I’m… dying, aren’t I?” she whispered, and the words gripped Garrus’ heart tightly, squeezed it painfully.

“Yes,” was all he could manage. She nodded faintly and turned her head, her eyes slowly closing.

“No, please, keep your eyes on me.” Shepard turned her head back to him, an eyebrow arched.

“Want to… see the light leave?”

“What I want,” he mumbled and squeezed her hand tighter, leaning in over the stretcher to press their foreheads together, “is for me to be the last thing you see.”

She laughed – or, tried to, the sound being a raw, raspy rattle – and looked up at him, and for a second, it seemed like her eyes became clear again.

“You always… were a weird one, Vakarian.”

His mandibles twitched, and he couldn’t help a soft, rumbling chuckle.

“Well, you were the one to choose me,” he retaliated, and the smile on Shepard’s lips grew wider, making Garrus’ heart swell with joy and pride. For a moment, it was almost like she wasn’t dying, like this was just one of the normal battle recoveries that she had done so often.

Shepard always came out on top, and to think that something could get her down… it was not something he liked to dwell on.

“I want you to know… I would have married you after the war, if you had let me. I don’t know if that’s appropriate to say, but it’s the truth. I would love to have raised kids with you, be they krogan we adopt or our own children.” As he spoke, slowly and clearly, the heart monitor’s beeping grew more and more rapid, and Shepard’s grip on his hand tightened.

“I would have taken you somewhere nice for a vacation. Spirits know you need one.”

“We… we all do,” she croaked, and for but a second, her gaze moved to the big panorama windows of the medical bay. Garrus turned his head to see that the crew – Joker included – was just outside, watching them.

Then her eyes were back on him, and the smile faltered a bit.

“I won’t stop loving you. As long as I still draw breath, I will keep on loving you. And when I don’t anymore, well, that’s when we’ll meet at the bar, right?”

“Right,” Shepard said, and the smile turned melancholic, the beeping of the heart monitor gradually slowing down again.

He could feel her hand grow weaker, and in turn, his grip got stronger. He noticed his hand trembled. Faintly, yes, but it still did.

“Are you… are you scared?” he asked her.

“No,” she answered, “not when I’ve got you by my side.”

That, more than anything, did Garrus in. He didn’t _cry_ , but damn it, it was close.

There was silence between them for a while, the only sound the steady beeping of the monitoring machines.

After a few minutes of silence, Garrus moved onto the stretcher and curled up around Shepard’s figure, careful not to push her or tug at the countless wires. He propped a hand under the side of his head so he could still see her face. It had softened, and her smile was more lazy than anything.

He suspected she didn’t have long left and began stroking her hair. It always had been so beautiful, vibrant red and full of life, full of vigor. Now it looked lifeless.

As he did so, her eyes got blank, and tears started welling up into them.

“Oh, honey,” he whispered and leaned their foreheads together once more, feeling how her body was wrecked by almost silent sobs. One of her hands fumbled for him, and when he took it, her grip had grown so weak he nearly couldn’t feel it.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

“It h-hurts.”

“I know. But it won’t hurt for long,” he whispered, stroking her hair tenderly and watching as the light in her eyes slowly ebbed away, how her body relaxed.

“I… I love you.” Her head rolled to the side, a quiet sigh escaping her. The monitors flatlined.

“I know. I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed THE PAIN <3


End file.
